Why did we choose this way of life and why did I want it? What lead us here when we were perfectly happy before? I’ve always wanted Sir to take more control of me in the bedroom and our sex life had become a little routine, but other than that we had a great marriage. There are three things that really enticed my curiosity about D/s and they aren’t focused just on having better sex.
First, the level of communication required intrigued me. Sir and I were pretty good about communicating on the surface. We had a routine in place for daily household matters like finances, home maintenance and meal planning, and we worked smoothly together on any issues that arose. We expressed our feelings and appreciation for each other often, and we rarely fought or shouted at each other so we thought that we were doing really well, and we were! We just didn’t realize how much better we could be doing until we delved into this new world of D/s. I didn’t realize that I wasn’t so great at communicating my feelings, and that is something that I’m still working on. When I’m upset, I tend to internalize and spiral. I do this because I don’t want to lash out and say things that I don’t mean, I want to really think about why I’m upset and make sure that there is a valid reason. But, by doing this I sometimes end up replaying the issue in my head over and over until it becomes bigger than it really is and melts together with other problems making a bigger scarier problem. Now, I am required to express my feelings to Sir calmly and politely and in a timely manner. This means I’m eliminating the possibility of spiraling, I am not to text him with my crazy thoughts while he is at work, and I am bringing up issues with him in a way that is constructive. It’s not so different from before, just tweaked in a way that makes it so much better.
We are also communicating about sex on a daily basis, which means that both of our needs are better met and we are having sex a lot more! Previously, we would sometimes go more than a week without having sex and I couldn’t imagine that now. I have also been able to open up about what exactly feels good to me, what my fantasies are, and how my emotions are so connected to my physical pleasure. Sir has been able to communicate with me exactly how he wants to be touched, the pressure and speed, where he wants my tongue. I think I always used to take it for granted how easily I could make him cum, so I never really put any stock into thoughtfully pleasing him. It was always just some oral followed by some pussy action and then we were off to making dinner or whatever. Now I feel like I have an intimate relationship with his cock, and there’s so much more yet to find out!
Because we are communicating about sex, I have been forced to talk about my physical health a lot more. My cycle has not always been easy and has made our sex life difficult in the past. Now, I am required to say exactly when I start and stop my period. I have finally gotten my hormones under control, and when I feel them start to go haywire again, I am able to let Sir know and we can deal with the repercussions together instead of it just resulting in a mysterious blow up fight out of nowhere. I’ve never been one to discuss my personal medical issues because I saw them more as just how I was instead of something that could be treated. During the five years we were trying to get pregnant, I’d forgotten how much I needed hormonal regulation and didn’t realize how much it was affecting us. I think it was unfair of me not to really let Sir know what was going on with my body and to just expect him to understand. Now, it is a topic that we can talk about and we both understand the issues better.
The second reason I wanted to try this power exchange has to do with my crazy overactive mind. It is often very difficult for me to turn off my thoughts, while I’m having a conversation with someone, while I’m trying to work, and even while we have sex. I believe this is why I have a hard time reaching orgasm. I absolutely get into what we are doing physically, but then my mind starts to wander, I might start to think about what I look like in a certain position, I start to think that I’m taking too long and Sir is getting bored. I know that in reality these kinds of thoughts are ridiculous. Sir thinks I look great no matter what and he’s told me repeatedly that he doesn’t get bored and he doesn’t do things he doesn’t want to do. The thoughts sometimes work themselves out and I’m able to focus, but sometimes they spiral out of control and then they are all I can focus on. I believe that by giving the power to Sir, I am I am able relinquish control of my body and mind to him, and it has seemed to help me maintain focus and achieve orgasm faster and easier. When Sir talks to me, whispers dirty things in my ear, it helps me to remain present in the moment, and it feeds my arousal. I know that I still need to work on being mindful, but Sir knows this and guides me back when it becomes a problem.
The third reason I was so attracted to a D/s dynamic was influenced by observing some of the other married relationships in my own life. I saw so often that over time many married couples seemed to lose respect for one another and they no longer actively communicated. I saw couples who seemed to only speak to each other in argumentative ways, they were terse and cranky with one another. Female friends would complain about their partners shortcomings instead of celebrating whatever it was that made them fall in love in the first place. I think that familiarity makes it easier for us to forget about what makes our partner special and appealing, both sexually and emotionally. We get caught up in the day to day routine and forget to say a loving word or give a loving touch. I did not want to see this happen in my own marriage, I wanted to be reminded daily of Sir’s love for me and wanted him to feel my love as well. I believed that D/s could provide a foundation of mutual respect and communication that would build a better stronger marriage. Not to mention all of the hot kinky sex! We are still new at this, but so far we have seen great improvements. We were never very disrespectful to each other, but snide comments, eye rolls, interruptions and negative tones can all add up to create a hostile feeling in a relationship, and we were headed that way. By signing a contract saying that I would only speak to him in a respectful way, I was committed to being mindful of the ways I communicated with and treated Sir. My commitment to better behavior has affected Sir’s behavior towards me as well. We are now more loving, respectful, and open to communication than ever. And, there’s always the really amazing sex!