I have been thinking a lot lately about why it is so difficult for me to try new things, even things that I want to try! I’ve wanted to try a class at the gym for months now, but I haven’t. I can’t decide which one to go to, I get nervous about showing up at the wrong time, or not picking the right one. It’s the strangest thing, because I really like new experiences and surprises. I’ve noticed that it is much easier for me to accept change when I have the support of Sir behind me. We went to our first community rope class recently, and I was terribly nervous because I didn’t know what to expect. I did not share my feelings with Sir until afterwards because I knew that they were ridiculous and un-based. I did sit quietly in the car ride over, mulling over it in my mind reminding myself that I had nothing to be nervous about. And, I completely enjoyed myself, we both learned a lot, and we met new people who are into the same things as we are.
It was the same before our first kink party. It was the same when Sir would challenge me to say hi to a stranger. It was the same when I started real estate school. It was the same even when I went to a new doctor for the first time! It’s like some strange wall that I’ve built up around me to protect myself from what? I’ve had plenty of new experiences in my life and most of them have been positive. I’ve never been truly hurt or taken advantage of in my relationships, so what is it that I’m protecting myself from? Is it just simply the newness and coming out of my comfort zone? Maybe my life has been too easy and comfortable and I’ve become complacent.
One of the reasons that I sought this dynamic with Sir is to overcome some of these feelings and to break down the wall I’ve built up around me. I want to be as adventurous as I can and to experience everything that life has to offer, and I want him to lead me on this journey. I feel safe with him, so it is easier for me to be in a situation I find uncomfortable, whether it is being tied up in a painful restraint or putting myself out there to meet new people and seek new environments. This is a skill that will help me in my professional life as well, and I hope that Sir can build my confidence and help mold me into the person that I know is inside!