CW: This post discusses depression, drug use, and suicide.
Since early adulthood, my little sister and I have always been very close. She and our middle sister were best buds growing up, and I was the older mean sister who wouldn’t let them borrow my clothes or hang out in my room, but when I moved back home after two years of failing at state college, our relationship bloomed into that special kind of friendship that only two sisters can have. We loved each other fiercely, stood up for one another, celebrated each other’s successes, and supported each other when we failed. We also fought like animals, screaming and scratching at each other. My mom had to physically break us apart one time, but like sisters always do, we quickly reconciled as if nothing had ever happened. When she moved south to the city by the sea to go to college, I followed her the next year, enrolling in the same school. We got a house together, worked at the same pizza place, and hung around in the same social circle. We depended on each other for security, for help, for friendship, for relief from the stress of excelling at a prestigious art school. We loved each other dearly, and the relationship that we’d built over the past five years was something special and couldn’t be dampened by new boyfriends, my moving in with my husband, and our eventual marriage. My sister and I were a team that couldn’t be destroyed.
Then I moved to the mountains and it got harder to keep in touch. The distance between us and our changing lives meant that we didn’t see each other as much, we didn’t talk as much. She got a new job, made some new friends, and started abusing drugs. Our middle sister moved down and was living with her at the time, but she didn’t notice the change in behavior. She didn’t see that our younger sister was struggling. She’d broken up with her long time boyfriend, she was sleeping all the time, staying up late, not paying her bills. She was a mess and I had no idea. Until her ex-boyfriend called me to tell me that she’d called him several times, threatening to kill herself.
I didn’t even know how to react to this news. Was she being dramatic? She has a tendency to be quite dramatic, and Sir often says he thinks it runs in the family. How could my beautiful, smart, happy sister get to this point? Why didn’t our other sister see the signs? Well, she had called me to tattle about late nights and cocaine binges, but I’d brushed the accusations aside, thinking she was just annoyed with her little sister. The signs were there, and we all just ignored them. We talked about them a little bit, but in the end, we just brushed them under the rug like that would make everything better. Like she would be better, but she wasn’t.
I hung up the phone with the ex-boyfriend and paused. My heart racing, my hands shaking. I called the middle sister. No answer. I called the little sister. No answer. I’m hundreds of miles away, and I’ve just gotten this terrible news and I feel helpless. I call my mom, trying to keep the tears out of my voice, trying to remain calm. I’m so glad she answered. She told me she was getting in the car right that minute to go get her. She told me to get someone over to her house, to get my little sister on the phone and keep her on the phone until she could get there. It takes four hours to get from my moms house to the city by the sea. I called everyone I could until on friend finally picked up, and I begged her to go knock on my sister’s door.
My friend called me back as soon as she got to the house, banged on the door, but no one came to the door. The dog was barking, I could hear my friend’s fist pounding ferociously. I’m holding my breath, trying not to completely break down, wondering if it’s too late. Wondering if I’ve sent my friend over to find a body. All of these terrible thoughts are spiraling though my head, when I hear a noise. It’s a croak really, and then I hear her voice. She says my name and it sounds like a question, and then we both just burst into tears. I’m sobbing uncontrollably. Why? Why? Why? I just can’t wrap my head around it. I need to know why she would want to do this, why she would do this to me, but she can’t tell me why. She can’t even really speak, she just cries and cries. I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
My little sister calls me from her own phone so that my friend can leave. And we talk for hours, we cry. She tells me exactly how she’d planned to do it, down to every awful detail. Hearing her say these words feels like she’s ripped my heart in two with her own tiny hands. She tells me that she’s been doing cocaine every day, spending so much money that she couldn’t pay her bills. That she’d borrowed thousands of dollars from her ex-boyfriend, that she hid her drug use from him until he found out and left her. She tells me that she doesn’t want to live any more, that we’d all be better off if she were gone, that she can’t do it anymore. It’s hard for me to even get the words out of my mouth, it’s an odd statement for me to make because it seem so obvious to me. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I would be less if you weren’t here anymore. I can’t believe that she can’t see that, but I’ve learned when the dark hole of depression takes over, it isn’t always obvious how much value you have to the people who love you.
My mom finally sweeps in and takes everything into her highly capable hands, scooping up the dog and all of her necessary belongings and whisking her back home. My sister is enrolled in some kind of out patient drug counseling, therapy, and put on anti-depressants within a couple of days and it seems that she’s on the mend. Three weeks later, she and her dog move in with Sir and I in the mountains. I hover, I peek, I worry, I wonder if she’s sleeping too much. We talk a lot, hashing and rehashing over the small nuances of her feelings, of her depression, of her wish to end it all. I do the only thing I know to do and I feed her, keep her busy, make sure she’s getting exercise, make sure she’s getting outdoors. I see so much growth in just a few weeks, and I start to think that she’s going to be okay.
The truth is that she will be okay, but she will never be fixed. It’s not something that can be fixed like a leaky faucet. Her depression can only be managed. She had some really bad relapses, she got sad or angry and used cocaine as a crutch which sent her spiraling back into that black hole again. She called me though and told me. I went to her house to find her in bed crying, a heavy weight that couldn’t be moved. I forced her out of bed, dragged her, made her drink tea, fed her, and put shoes on her feet. I forced her out the front door and made her go on a hike with me, crying the whole time, sniffling snot, eyes red and puffy. I don’t think it helped, but I didn’t know what else to do. I still don’t know what to do.
It’s been almost three years since she threatened to kill herself, and her life has completely changed. She’s regularly taking her meds, she’s held onto a great job, she has a group of friends who are positive influences in her life, she’s going back to school for another degree. She still lives nearby but we don’t get to see each other as often as I would like. Our relationship isn’t the same as it was when we were younger, before the darkness changed her, but we still love each other fiercely.
I wanted to write this post to let anyone out there know, that no matter how bad it gets, no matter how dark you feel, that if you were gone, someone would miss you. Someone’s life would be less without you in it. You matter.
My one daughter committed suicide but was revived at the hospital. Mental illness is a horrible blight on all of us. Regardless of who you are there are people who will miss you and whose lives will be far the worse if you are gone. I’m so glad your sister had you and your family. But you are correct, there is no cure and the darkness can always return.
I also meant to say this is a really important post. May I repost it?
Absolutely!
I’m so glad she was revived! I hope that she’s doing better and has found some peace.
She appears to be doing better though she is mostly estranged from us. Thank you.
It’s a hard thing to deal with. My sister is changed from it. Our connection is just not as strong. Hopefully that will mend in time.
You must try and remain strong. You must continue to be there for her. Hopefully in time things will get closer to the way they were.
I will – thank you!?
I’ve been there myself, I don’t discuss it much. I’m not ashamed, I’m glad someone intervened at the last second. It was 25 years ago. Not a day goes by that I’m not thankful I was able to get help. It’s amazing how easy it is to convince yourself how worthless you are, but how hard it is to see your worth. It’s something I’ll always struggle with. I’m lucky to have come thru the depression and been able to manage it without medication. About 2 years ago I got the call we all dread,
I’ve never had similar thoughts which I think makes it harder for me to understand. And the fact that I love my sister so much and find her to be amazingly wonderful, it’s hard for me to see how she couldn’t see herself the same. I know that it’s the depression and not her.
I’m glad that you were able to get help and that you’ve seen that it was worth it to come out on the other side. I’m sorry your comment got cut off, but I would love to hear what else you had to say. Thanks for reading my post!
Sry, my 20 year old daughter was in the hospital. She had made a threat that she was going to kill her self. So someone reported her and the police came and took her to the hospital. She spent about a week between the hospital and an inpatient treatment facility. When I left the hospital that first night, I went directly to my mother and hugged her as hard as I could. I sobbed in her arms for a long time. I was so thankful for her support when I went they my troubles but never thanked her. Now that I was in her position it just hit me how hard that must have been on her. My daughter is doing very well. She has a daughter of her own now and is very stable. I’ll never be able to repay the support I received but without it I don’t know what I would have done. Thanks for reposting this, it’s sad to read but so important too.
I’m glad your daughter is okay now! That must have been a really special moment between you and your mom and I know that she’s happy to support you – then, now and in the future.?
It was very spontaneous, my two oldest children were very young but were present when my problem occurred. My daughter remembers, my son does not. My mother and father were much like you, they had no idea. But they were there for me. All I can say is just always be there for your sister. And don’t be afraid to ask questions. She might not like it, but it’s not about what she likes, it’s about what she needs. I watch my daughter very closely and we talk about it sometimes.
Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. I cried while reading what you have written, as I lost my younger brother to a drug overdose. Your sister is incredibly lucky to have a strong support system around her and that you were able to intervene before the worst happened. Bless your family and may she only get stronger <3
Thank you for your kind words Nora! ? I’m so sorry to hear about your brother! I can’t imagine the amount of pain you feel. My sister is very strong and she has a lot of love and support surrounding her. ?
Thank you so much for writing this. I started my blog a year ago after the suicide of a good friend and much of what you wrote resonates with me. The ‘dark hole of depression’ and inability to recognise how much you’re loved… the binges, cocaine….
I am slowly coming to terms with what happened and believing that it was not my fault or anyone else’s. her mind was made up and she was let down by the system. I wish you and your sister all the best.
Thank you! It was a difficult post to write. I’d had it written in my head for a while. I’m glad I did even though it involved some tears. Im so sorry to hear about your friend, and I’m glad you’re starting to see that it wasn’t your fault. ???
My little sister is bipolar 1. Watching her walk through that has been one of the most heart wrenching and wonderful experiences of my life. Watching her choose to be here and to find her footing – and loose it sometimes- has changed all of us. I worry tremendously that this monster may someday win. But- for now- we hold hands and we talk and I tell her my world would not be right without her in it.
This made me tear up! She’s lucky to have you to hold her hand.?
I’m blessed to have her.
This made me feel very sad, but grateful for what I have. Thank you for writing this Blue, I can only imagine how difficult it was to write.
Yes I am certainly grateful that I am mentally healthy! I haven’t always been that way, but I work hard every day to keep things on the up and up. It was a difficult post to write but I’m glad I did! Reminds me that I need to go over and give her a hug and tell her I love her.
Thank you for sharing such a personal part of your life. Your sister is so lucky to have you to watch out for her. I hope, some day, you regain the closeness you once had. xx
Thank you! ?
Thank you for sharing this and I’m so glad your sister is doing well, and has such a strong support and love system around her. I cried reading this as I know how seductive those beliefs can feel. Enjoy those hugs xx
Thank you kis!
This post made me want to cry – thank you so much for sharing your journey with your sister – it hurts so much when you try but you can’t completely fix someone – you have and are doing an amazing job x
Thank you!
This is post is heartfelt, touching and had me on the edge of my seat. I’m glad that you & your mother were there for your sister. I’ve had a few cousins & ex-lovers strung out on cocaine and got to that point of suicidal thoughts. I remember once during high school a boy had called me but i wasn’t home. I went to school the next day and found out that he had called a bunch of other kids from school but had killed himself after no one talked to him. I carry his face and name with me thinking “what if”…he & I were not that close and a year apart but think maybe he might not have killed himself. Thank you so much for sharing your emotional story.
Thank you! ?
Thank you for this very heartfelt and important post. I wish anyone contemplating suicide or self-harm would read it and keep it close at hand when the darkness threatens. I felt suicidal when I was younger and managed to work through it. But millions of folks aren’t able to survive. For whatever reason, they feel totally alone; helpless and hopeless. They fail to truly consider how selfish suicide is! This act hurts so many survivors who never quite recover. Their life is permanently damaged.
With help and intervention we could still have loved ones and people like Kate Spade, Robin Williams, and Anthony Bourdain here with us. It still grieves me that these amazing talents felt so desperate and full of hurt. I wish you could publish this for all the world to read.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Thank you! I’m glad you think it could help other people. There are so many voices out there that can help to impact the lives of those who are hurting. We all just need to help each other out every day. That’s why I am so grateful to SassyCat for creating this meme. It’s just a start, but it seems to have gotten a lot of really positive feedback. I’m so glad you were able to overcome your own challenges!