My submission is, and probably always will be, a work in progress. We are still new at this, and we are still finding our way. We were lucky enough to have found good sources of information early on, so we aren’t concerned with what others might deem right or wrong, we know that true Dominance and submission are what we define them to be. But, we still struggle with our own interpretation of our roles, and we’ve had many discussions on the topic as a result. Even though we know there isn’t one true way, we still often wonder if we are doing things right. His Dominance falters when I push back, when I seem to refuse to give up control, and I know that it is confusing for him. I want to submit to you and give you the control, but I still grab for that control every chance I get! And, it turn, I struggle with my submission when his Dominance falters. Right now our circle is a little wobbly, more like an oval, until the balance is properly distributed. We continue to work towards that balance, a common goal that we share, and our mutual focus makes our connection strong and it’s getting stronger every day.
I didn’t ask him to be my Dominant, and he didn’t ask me to submit to him. It just kind of happened. The circumstances were perfect to foster this idea in our heads, separately but simultaneously, and we just assumed these roles naturally with only a few conversations to form the basis of this dynamic. It wasn’t until the end of September 2018 that we knew that this was working, that we felt something special and decided to write up a Contract of Submission. We looked at several examples online, pieced them together with our own ideas, and on a road trip to Atlanta, I typed out a seven page document outlining our obligations and duties to each other, rules and protocols, communication procedures and schedules. We’ve since renegotiated and re-signed the contract, setting another mandatory assessment in six months time. The contract means a great deal to us both, and we are required to read it in full every month to remind us of what it says. Every time I read it, I get excited. I feel a warmth spread between my legs, my hands start to shake a bit, and I begin to sink into that lovely headspace that being dominated gives me. My physical reaction just proves to me that our contract is as meaningful as we think it is, not merely a few pieces of paper, but something that we created together that forms the basis for our dynamic. Even though it’s not legally binding, it is as important to us as our marriage license.
We have both grown so much in these last seven months. Many aspects of our marriage have improved, including the level of communication, the quality of the time we spend together, our emotional and physical connection, and our understanding of each other needs and desires. We had a great marriage to begin with, and I think most people looking in from the outside would say that we had a marriage to emulate. We were happy, we worked well together as a team, we were generally on the same page, but there’s always room for improvement, and we found that in D/s.
By adhering to my rules and protocols, much of which I requested, I have also improved physically. When we first started playing around with rope, I wasn’t able to do certain ties because I was a bit overweight and out of shape. I’ve always been very athletic, but when we bought our house up on the mountain, I let things slip a little. The first time he tried to bind my arms behind my back in a Takate Kote tie, I felt like I was about to pass out and we had to stop immediately. I knew then, that in order to really get into rope play the way that I wanted to, I was going to have to shape up. At the time, I went to the gym on a regular basis, but I wasn’t utilizing that time properly and efficiently. I also enjoyed eating all the yummy bad things that go straight to my belly, so a change was in order. Even before we signed our Contract, I asked he to manage my diet and exercise and started seeing results almost immediately. When you have someone to answer to, it makes slacking off a lot harder! I have lost twenty pounds since October, and honestly, it was easy. I am now stronger and more limber, and I am able to bend in ways that I previously could not. This weight loss has boosted my confidence and shown me that if I put my mind to something, I can accomplish it, especially when I have him to guide me and support me through it.
Through submission, I have found my own strength and power, but I’ve also found a benefit to being vulnerable. By exposing my thoughts and feelings to him, our own connection has blossomed. Little by little, I have allowed him to peel back my layers and find out what makes me tick. He has exposed aspects of my personality that I’ve kept hidden for whatever reason, and he’s gotten a glimpse into why I do what I do. Why do I push back in certain circumstances and pull away in others? He has learned to better read my emotions, and knows when I need to be held and when to let me go. Why do I continue to hash and rehash a topic that we’ve discussed? I tend to have spiraling thoughts, I think and overthink and I find it difficult to drop a subject which has been concluded. This used to be perceived exclusively in a negative way, but now we are realizing that I sometimes need more time to process information, to roll it around up there until it sits comfortably. It’s strange how after seven years of marriage, it takes a power exchange to reveal these kinds of things. He has also opened up to me, shining a light on how he processes his emotions.
My submission has made me brave. I never would have thought I was chicken before D/s. I’ll run straight off the edge of a cliff and jump into a lake, but in a new social setting, I am like a turtle, I want to hide in my shell (or behind a tall glass of whiskey). Our journey has taken us to new settings and put me in front of new people and forced me to speak, always with his guiding hand pushing me forward. With him by my side, I have the guts to face new experiences. I am still a work in progress, but just having the knowledge that this is something I need to work on is already a step in the right direction. It will help me in my career as well. I need to get better about being in social situations where I have to meet new people and network. We are taking a huge step in April by attending our first major kink convention where we will hopefully perform a live rope suspension scene, which will mean that I will be completely out of my comfort zone. To imagine it gives me instant butterflies, but at the same time, I really want to do this. To me, it represents the final exam in my socialization education. If I pass, then I’ve truly overcome my fears.
My submission has made me feel beautiful. There have been times in my past where I’ve liked the way I look, I felt pretty and attractive. There have also been many times where I’ve felt the complete opposite and I avoided mirrors at all costs. There have been times where I didn’t know or care how I looked. I expect that I will cycle back to some of these feelings in the future, but the past couple of years have been the worst, I felt utterly unattractive, downright ugly at times. It was a combination of weight gain, violent hormonal imbalances that left breakouts across my face, and the inevitable aging process that brings with it dry skin and wrinkles. It’s so strange and disheartening to simultaneously suffer from the skin ailments of both a teenager and a middle aged woman! When Sir first started wrapping me up in rope, I would lament over the bits of belly and thigh that would poke out from between the binds. He would remind me that I am his canvas and he finds me beautiful, and that by pointing out these flaws, I am pointing out flaws in his creation. It’s taken some time, and I still have to remind myself, but I am learning to see myself through his eyes, to see the beauty that he sees in me.
My submission is a work in progress. All of the growth that has occurred in the last seven months is just a starting point. We are growing together, and one of the best parts about this journey is to watch his growth as well, to see how subtle changes make huge differences in the way we are as a unit. I still feel new and green, and there is a long way to go before I am fully formed. Maybe I am more like a bonsai tree, where I will never be completely finished but constantly under construction as I grow and change. I’ve always been fascinated by the Japanese philosophy of Wabi-sabi, that beauty is seen as perfectly imperfect, that we are always changing in minute ways and that’s what creates a sense of perfection. I see my submission in much the same way. I do not strive for perfection or permanence, I strive to adapt to his Dominance and to be the best that I can be for him. I want to continue to bend and form our oval until it becomes closer to a circle, closer to balanced.
Tell Me About… is a new meme from Submissy and The SafeworD/s Club. Click the image above to read more about Submission!