It goes against human nature to allow yourself to be completely vulnerable. We have developed ways to protect ourselves from both physical and emotional harm, and learning to let down those protections has proven quite difficult for me. I see it, though, the benefit of letting go and showing him that I trust him enough to bare all for him to see. I do trust him, I trust him completely, with my well being, my emotions, my secrets, my failures, my dreams, my body, my life.
It has been much easier for me to become physically vulnerable, which has come as a surprise to me as I’ve always had certain insecurities about my body. My physical insecurities used to haunt me during sex, creeping into my brain and taking me away from the moment, away from the wonderful sensations I was feeling. We were never the type of couple to have sex with the lights off, but I used to prefer it that way so he couldn’t see all of the little things that bothered me about myself. I’ve always hated my pouchy stomach. I hate the thickness of my pubic hair and how I always get razor bumps and ingrown hairs when I shave. I’ve always been self conscious about the way I smell, worrying unnecessarily when he goes down on me. And, I know that all of these insecurities are ridiculous! I know that most women do not have flat stomachs. I also know that I like women who don’t have perfectly flat stomachs. I like to rub my hands down a soft belly with curves, and grab hips that have meat on them because it is different than touching a man. I know that humans aren’t born perfectly hairless, and that each one of us has a unique style when it comes to pubic hair. Shaved, stubbly, or hairy, it doesn’t really matter when you get down to it. I know that when I go down on a woman, I like the way she smells and tastes, and I know that he likes my own particular scent. These are insecurities that have slowly drifted away since the onset of our D/s dynamic, and as a result, I’ve been able to enjoy our sex even more because I’m no longer focused on perceived physical imperfections. I have no qualms about bending over naked and exposing all of my intimate parts to him. I am no longer insecure about the way my belly rolls when I’m tied in a hunched position. Now, I like having sex with the lights on!
I think maybe the biggest hurdle in letting go emotionally is that I don’t want to be overly emotional, which is insane because I’ve been an emotional riot lately. We are still in the new and frenzied stage of our D/s, so I am feeling a lot of everything. But, there is still that need to be strong, to not be the crazy, crying, nagging wife. That’s certainly an overstatement, but it does feel like that sometimes. It’s like I’m trying to control the amount of emotion that seeps out. Like water out of a tap, I just want a steady drip, but I end up turning the knob too hard and it all comes rushing out, making a wet mess on the counter. He has been patient and gracious, and he gallantly sweeps in with a dry towel to clean up my mess and help me make sense of what I’m feeling. He comes up with unique ways for me to process what I’m feeling and then we can discuss it. It’s been a learning process for both of us. The trust is there though, and I think that’s the key. I trust him enough to open up and share when I know what it is that I’m feeling. I don’t necessarily trust my own emotions right now, so I need time to process before I am able to discuss what it is exactly that I’m feeling. There have been many times that I’ve thought I felt a certain way, but after an hour or so of rumination, I realize that my feelings were based on a knee-jerk reaction or that I had read the situation incorrectly. I have learned that I react too quickly sometimes and jump to conclusions. I have learned a lot about myself in the past eight months!
And, I’ve learned a lot about him too. In giving him the power, he has opened up to me as well, sharing his own insecurities and vulnerabilities. I think that’s how the circle of D/s is supposed to work, a push and pull, a give and take. If I open up to him, he in turn opens up to me and we both benefit from sharing our realities. It has helped me to see his struggle, because I have my own struggle, and we now have this together.
It’s strange being married for seven years, only to find that the relationship was only partly formed. That there was still so much about each other that you didn’t know, so many secrets to be uncovered. I’ve said many times that we were a great couple before we made this change, but now we are on our way to even more. We have found a way to take that greatness and form it into something even stronger. To achieve that strength, we must expose our most vulnerable parts to each other and trust that the other will protect those parts from harm and cherish that gift of vulnerability.