This is my first F4TFriday!
When I saw that the prompt for Food for Thought Friday was Landmarks, I thought that I would write about the landmarks of my love, all the different places that have made an impact on my relationship with Sir, but I remembered I already wrote that post a while back.
This morning, I read Floss’ wonderful F4TFriday post about her blogging goals, how far she’s come with her blog and her writing, and it inspired me. I’ve been in a bit of a blogging slump lately. We have been so busy traveling and visiting with friends and family, on top of caring for and saying goodbye to our sick dog. I’ve had a lot going on emotionally, socially, and professionally and I haven’t been very focused on this aspect of my life which has been such a positive outlet for me these past six months. While I do so enjoy writing about him and us and our love and how it has grown over the years, I felt that I could talk about some of the landmarks in my own life, some of the important points that have gotten me to where I am now, in a place that I never could have imagined.
Floss and Bakji have a tradition on their podcast that I absolutely love. When they have a guest come on, they ask them a bunch of quick fire questions at the end, and one of the questions is “What advice would you give your 25 year old self?”. This one always gets me thinking about my past and what I would tell my younger self. The truth is, I would tell her to keep doing whatever it is that she’s doing! All the mistakes and missteps lead me to where I am now, and I wouldn’t want to change that for anything.
When I was a kid, I commandeered my grandpa’s old briefcase and carried it around everywhere with me. Inside was a pad of graph paper, a bunch of pencils and markers and a ruler. I would see a house and draw the floor plan based on what the outside looked like. I had hundreds of drawings carefully kept inside that briefcase. When I played with my Barbie’s, I would spend the whole time setting up her house. I would make beds out of shoe boxes and frayed pink wash cloths. The amount of time I actually held one of the dolls in my hands was very small compared to the amount of time I spent creating her space. On the playground, I would gather the other kids to help me make a fort. We would create walls out of lines of clumped up pine straw, just another floor plan but big enough to walk around in. I would create whole worlds in these imaginary spaces, places to eat and sleep and gather, places that could be called Home.
Surprisingly, it took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I was in my late twenties and fully independent when it finally dawned on me that a degree in Interior Design was a perfect fit. I enrolled in a prestigious art school on the coast of Georgia and embarked on an exciting and scary new journey. I had no idea what I was getting myself into financially, but I thrived nonetheless. I was at the top of my class, I was surrounded by uplifting and creative friends, and I lived in one of the most beautiful towns I’d ever seen.
This is where I met my husband, where we began our relationship on a foundation of honesty and respect. We’d both endured hardships in our pasts, negative relationships, and bad decision making and knew that we wanted to go into this relationship with a different mindset. We strove to support each other, and he did his fair share of that while I worked on my degree. I was often so caught up in my work that I wouldn’t speak to him for days, my school work was my passion and I wouldn’t sleep or eat properly. It was a huge relief to know that he had my back even if I wasn’t there for him emotionally. We had a goal, and part of that was that I would work really hard to get this degree and then I would find a great job that would improve both of our lives. Things don’t always work out how you want.
I graduated at the tail end of the recession, and I couldn’t find a job. I applied to places all over the country, but my field wasn’t in high demand. I couldn’t afford to do an internship because I had bills to pay and couldn’t take six months off to work for free. The realization that I had spent a small fortune and that dream job might not ever be mine was crushing. Then the bills for my student loans started coming in and the pressure was even greater. I owed the equivalent to a mortgage payment each month, and there was no way I could pay it. I felt like a failure, and I felt that I had failed him as well, because my dreams were his dreams. We were in this together and I thought I was sinking us both.
We needed to get out of that town. The heat and humidity were too much. Many of our friends moved away, the ones that stayed were stuck just like we would be. We had no idea what we were getting into when we decided on a whim to move to the mountains. We had a hard time finding a place to rent because of our dogs. None of the rental companies would allow our dogs because they were so big; we were almost ready to give up. Then, I finally got in touch with a real estate company that would allow us to rent one of their homes. We never saw the place, we just put down our deposits, packed up the moving truck, and hoped for the best.
I got there first since he was driving the big truck and pulling his SUV behind it. I pulled into the driveway of one of the cutest houses I’d ever seen. It had cedar shingles, a big front porch and a fenced yard with flowers and fruit trees. I got the dogs out of the car and walked the fence line to make sure it was solid before venturing into the house. It had original hardwood floors, tall ceilings, a clawfoot tub and a fireplace. I couldn’t believe our stroke of luck! The landlord was supposed to meet me there but had called to say she was running late, so I decided to start unpacking. I opened the back door right as she was coming in the gate, and my dog ran out from behind me and jumped up and bit her in the arm. I nearly fainted right there on the stone patio. I thought for sure she was going to kick us out and have our vicious dog put down, but she was kind and understanding, even with a festering puncture wound and blood running down her elbow. It was a miracle, honestly.
It turned out to more than a miracle, it turned into a new opportunity. We lived in that house for two and a half years before we finally decided it was time to buy a home of our own.
The gracious woman who endured our dog’s *ferocious attack eventually became our real estate agent and helped us find our home. She made the process incredibly easy, and she seemed to really enjoy her job. She inspired me to get my real estate license and pursue a new career working with the same company that allowed us to move up here! I was so nervous when I first started, having a bout of severe anxiety that lasted for over a month, but I pushed through and it is finally starting to pay off. I am lucky to choose my own schedule, I am home most days before him so I am able to greet him at the door. I am able to use my degree to a small extent. Most importantly, I help my clients find their Home, a place that I’ve always loved, the most important place in most of our lives. The flexibility of my career has allowed me to explore other parts of myself that I never knew existed because I have the time to do it.
The Coffee Table
It’s funny that a coffee table would be a landmark, it’s so small and insignificant, an often overlooked piece of furniture. The coffee table is the place that opened this door for me, the door to my blog, to writing, to all of you. He tied me to the coffee table for the first time, and I fell hard. I fell for him all over again, I fell into a lifestyle that spoke to me, that opened my eyes and reignited me. I found a part of myself that had been hibernating since graduation, I rediscovered my creativity. If it weren’t for that night on the coffee table, this blog wouldn’t be here, I wouldn’t be a participant in the Smut Marathon, I wouldn’t have this newfound confidence that D/s has given me. I don’t know where or what I’d be doing, but I don’t think I would have the same spark that burns in me right now. There is a flame that has touched every aspect of my life and has reached out to him. I can see the flame burning in him too.
So, what do I plan to do with this spark, this rediscovered creativity and inspiration? I plan to kick ass in the Smut Marathon, to do the best I can and not worry about winning or being perfect. I plan on writing more for my blog, to fine-tune my space so that it is a reflection of me in both content and appearance. I believe that if I continue this way and keep my positive outlook on life, things will work out for me. Life isn’t always easy, but I have a pretty good one. I am surrounded by love, laughter, friendship, inspiration, creativity, and passion. I am happy every day, and I have everything I could ever need or want. I have so much to look forward to, because life keeps getting better every day.
*Our dog was a good boy, he was just overwhelmed and thought she was a bad person.