Head in the Clouds

I don’t want to grow up! I still feel like I’m in my early twenties, and I like it that way. Even as a child, my aspirations were frivolous, I wanted to be a princess or a pop star or something equally ridiculous and farfetched. Of course, I did have some dreams that were realistic, like wanting to be an architect or a designer, which I achieved to a certain extent, but mostly my head was in the clouds. I think that’s where it’s going to stay too.

When I grow up, I want to be content. I want to do the things that make me happy and surround myself with people who are kind and positive and supportive. I want to live a life that is not centered around work, I want my work to support the life I want to live. I don’t want to be bogged down with material things, I want to my life to be full of wonderful experiences.

When I grow up, I want to be fulfilled. I want to wear a lot of hats, a writer’s hat full of whimsy, a sensible and functional hat fit for an outdoorswoman, the well-worn hat of someone who has traveled the world. I want to take in all things, roll them around inside me and see how they feel. I want to experience darkness so that when I feel the light, it is that much better.

When I grow up, I want to be healthy. I want to be able to bend over, and lift, and run, and jump. I want to be able to climb a mountain and feel the rush of air in my lungs and the heat of exertion on my cheeks. I want to feel younger than I am, and I want people to be surprised at my real age. I want to fuck and come and suck until I’m no longer breathing.

When I grow up, I want to experience love. I’m in it now, that great love that’s both exhilarating and comfortable, but I want more. I want to love in all ways, as a friend, as a sister, as a daughter, maybe someday as an aunt. I want to carry it around with me and spread it around everywhere I go. I want to love myself more and more every day. I want to grow the love I have with my husband, watch it change as we do, watch it age gracefully with us.

When I grow up, I want to feel peace. I want my world to be quiet and without need or strife. I want those I love to be content and fulfilled, healthy and loved. I want that for those that I don’t even know. I want people to be who they want to be without suffering for it. I want to live in a world where the privileged do not prey on the needy, where no one is hungry and no one is hurting.

Even though I often have my head in the clouds, I know that life will never be perfect. Things will come up, and I will stumble and fall, but I know that I’ll get up again. I also know that if I continue to work and try hard, if I continue to be polite and helpful, my life will be about as good as I can make it. I might feel like I’m still young and carefree, but really I am already grown up, and it’s not a bad way to be!