I’m a bad liar. My face is so easily readable, the expression pasted there is usually exactly what I’m thinking or feeling. The face I present to the world is the real me, whether it be in person or online. Being a secret sex blogger and a kinky submissive wife has been hard for me because I’m so used to being open and honest about everything in my life. Not since I was a rebellious teenager did I have so much to hide, and now that I’m all grown up, I don’t like being sneaky. I want to tell everyone everything about me, but because what we do is so often misunderstood, I can’t.
My sisters both know everything now, but it took months for me to build up the confidence. In those months leading up to my confession, I was silent because I couldn’t trust myself to speak about myself at all for fear of letting it all out. It put a damper on my relationship with my youngest sister, because I couldn’t be myself around her. Now that I’ve come out to her, a rather awkward scene where she didn’t seem surprised or even remotely interested, things have gotten better. I reveal small bits a pieces here and there, I want to borrow this to wear to an event, look at this cool suspension we did yesterday, I have to write a blog post this afternoon or we have Rope Bite today so I can’t go to the movie. I hope that she doesn’t find it icky, it’s certainly not all about sex, but I think she might associate the two. Regardless, I’m out to them both and they both accept me for who I am no matter what.
I’m like a sieve, spilling my secrets little by little to those that matter to me. My best friends were not surprised at all when I told them. Too many cocktails certainly gave me the confidence and added some holes to my sieve, making it easier for me to spill the beans. I love being able to talk to them about the Smut Marathon and my blog, sharing small victories, and I love it that they are proud of my accomplishments. There aren’t many of those to share as an adult, no more I passed my exam! or My team won the tournament! As a blogger, I get some of those celebratory moments back. I want to be honest with the people I love about who I am, how I’ve changed and grown. I want to share what I love. Lot’s of my friends have babies, and I have my blog.
I wish I could be totally out. It wouldn’t affect my work much, it might even help me. I’m not on a deeply personal level with most of my clients, they don’t need to know intimate details about my life in order to trust my ability to serve them well. I couldn’t get fired for being a kink-positive submissive sex blogger because I work for myself. The town I live in mainly consists of open-minded liberal leaning folk, many of whom probably also have dirty little secrets of their own. It’s not quite that simple though.
There’s also the issue of my parents, his parents, these people might never know about this thing we do. I think I can safely say that his parents would never accept or understand a D/s dynamic. My parents, on the other hand, they have a better chance, slim but better. Still, it’s a dream. I like to think my parents would understand. I may never know how they might react.
Being one of the few people in this world who are able to always to be themselves is rare. Those that are able should count themselves lucky. I wish that I could be that person. I’m not good at hiding it, and I don’t like doing it. I believe that some day, I’ll find a better balance. I’ll find better ways of integrating the mask and the face. For now, I’m a sieve and a bad liar. Pour me a glass of wine and I’ll spill all my secrets!
I love what you share here! I found it extremely difficult to initially share with my lover the fact that I actually wrote about our encounters….now, as I am writing she is often in and out of the office looking over me shoulder and getting my posts!! Its so much easier than before. Go for it! Be real. Be authentic. Be FREE!!!!
I think it’s important to share everything with our partners, so I’m glad you were able to do that!
It’s unfortunate that we have to wear a mask sometimes, but being able to speak openly with your sisters is a great step. You have gone out into the kinky world and been able to share your true self. So I wouldn’t beat yourself up over for being a sieve.
Plus I’ve found coming out, or trying to really disappointing. I was expecting some shock at least to the few friends that know parts about us.
Yeah, it’s weird that people are just like “Yeah, ok!” I feel like I would have so many questions, but maybe they just feel weird and intrusive by asking.
The friends that I’ve told have been curious but definitely not shocked ..
That’s good! It would be easier to deal with curious rather than shocked.
I am one of those people who is totally out, work, Dad, ex, randoms in the street and I do know how very, very lucky I am to have been able to make that choice. Even with that though I still feel like a lot of folks don’t really see the true nature of my Floss-ness. It’s a bit like still wearing the masks but they’re just a little more transparent. The best place to be me is here in my blogging world with you lovelies and with my kinky pals. Nothing beats that really x
I think only Bakji gets to see your true Flossness, for now at least!
Compartmentalising is second nature and spillage into different compartments can be awkward. As it is, to have so many people with whom you can be relatively open is wonderful, there’s whole compartments of my life that of necessity are locked away from each other and I dearly hope for the day when that won’t be necessary.
melody x
I think that day will be when we are old and grey and no longer care about what anybody thinks!
As time goes on I tell more and more people. Funny that I also started dointd this when I was in the smut marathon last year. I was proud at how well I was doing so started telling vanilla friends. It was fine. I have found people far less judgemental than I thought they would be x
The Smut Marathon certainly makes a nice ice breaker for spilling the kink!
As a submissive male, I think the level of acceptance would be far lower for my friends, family and colleagues! I could also be fired as my job has a morals clause. Nothing I do affects anyone else, but narrow minded people might not care about that. So I wear masks and keep the secret. But I would dearly love to be able to tell some people, have my Queen tell her friends and just enjoy life!
Instead I wear masks! But I do remain totally honest and out there on my blog!
It’s not fair that there are stigmas placed on male submissives! Y’all should go on a kinky vacation where you can spend the week completely out in the open!
I’d love to be “out” as well. It’s great that you’ve at least been able to reveal your self to your sisters. I often think I’d like to share with my sister, but pretty much my entire sexual identity is completely hidden from most of the people in my life, including my family. Plus, I don’t like the thought of her getting curious one day, visiting the Lair and seeing way more than she ever wanted too!!
Great post. It really struck a chord ?
Thank you! My sisters know about the blog, but they don’t know the name. I don’t want them poking around there – it’s just a little too much!