I’m a bad liar. My face is so easily readable, the expression pasted there is usually exactly what I’m thinking or feeling. The face I present to the world is the real me, whether it be in person or online. Being a secret sex blogger and a kinky submissive wife has been hard for me because I’m so used to being open and honest about everything in my life. Not since I was a rebellious teenager did I have so much to hide, and now that I’m all grown up, I don’t like being sneaky. I want to tell everyone everything about me, but because what we do is so often misunderstood, I can’t.
My sisters both know everything now, but it took months for me to build up the confidence. In those months leading up to my confession, I was silent because I couldn’t trust myself to speak about myself at all for fear of letting it all out. It put a damper on my relationship with my youngest sister, because I couldn’t be myself around her. Now that I’ve come out to her, a rather awkward scene where she didn’t seem surprised or even remotely interested, things have gotten better. I reveal small bits a pieces here and there, I want to borrow this to wear to an event, look at this cool suspension we did yesterday, I have to write a blog post this afternoon or we have Rope Bite today so I can’t go to the movie. I hope that she doesn’t find it icky, it’s certainly not all about sex, but I think she might associate the two. Regardless, I’m out to them both and they both accept me for who I am no matter what.
I’m like a sieve, spilling my secrets little by little to those that matter to me. My best friends were not surprised at all when I told them. Too many cocktails certainly gave me the confidence and added some holes to my sieve, making it easier for me to spill the beans. I love being able to talk to them about the Smut Marathon and my blog, sharing small victories, and I love it that they are proud of my accomplishments. There aren’t many of those to share as an adult, no more I passed my exam! or My team won the tournament! As a blogger, I get some of those celebratory moments back. I want to be honest with the people I love about who I am, how I’ve changed and grown. I want to share what I love. Lot’s of my friends have babies, and I have my blog.
I wish I could be totally out. It wouldn’t affect my work much, it might even help me. I’m not on a deeply personal level with most of my clients, they don’t need to know intimate details about my life in order to trust my ability to serve them well. I couldn’t get fired for being a kink-positive submissive sex blogger because I work for myself. The town I live in mainly consists of open-minded liberal leaning folk, many of whom probably also have dirty little secrets of their own. It’s not quite that simple though.
There’s also the issue of my parents, his parents, these people might never know about this thing we do. I think I can safely say that his parents would never accept or understand a D/s dynamic. My parents, on the other hand, they have a better chance, slim but better. Still, it’s a dream. When Sir and I first seriously started our search for a third, we imagined all the possibilities, even those that were more serious. I imagined spending the holidays with her, how it would look and function. I don’t want to be with someone in a committed way that I can’t celebrate with, enjoy special moments with. In my dreams, we find someone who wants to be there for some of the special occasions, a few of the fun celebrations each year. I would never want to diminish my feelings towards someone just because my family was around, just because our situation didn’t fit society’s vision of propriety. I like to think my parents would understand. I may never know how they might react.
Being one of the few people in this world who are able to always to be themselves is rare. Those that are able should count themselves lucky. I wish that I could be that person. I’m not good at hiding it, and I don’t like doing it. I believe that some day, I’ll find a better balance. I’ll find better ways of integrating the mask and the face. For now, I’m a sieve and a bad liar. Pour me a glass of wine and I’ll spill all my secrets!