We started our D/s dynamic on our own terms. We didn’t have anyone telling us that there were certain rules or acceptable behaviors or protocols for a “real” Dom and sub relationship. On the contrary, I think we were lucky in that the references we did find, aka submissy.com and later other D/s focused blogs, showed us that building our relationship to fit our own unique style was the only right way to do D/s. We never once doubted that what we were doing was right or wrong because it worked for us.
We talked about a symbolic collar for about five seconds. I don’t like them, I don’t like anything wrapped tightly around my neck, whether it’s a thick leather band or a delicate chain, it feels constricting and not in a good way. He’s not a fan of them either, and he can sympathize with me not liking the feeling of something on my neck. He doesn’t like the feeling either. It didn’t take long for us to come to the conclusion that a collar and even the symbolism behind it didn’t need to be a part of our particular D/s.
The symbolism is important though, and we understand that especially as a married couple. Our wedding rings and what they mean to us and the rest of the world are very special to us. He is on his fourth band right now, the first three broke and I can still remember the pain in his voice when speaking to the sales associate after the first one shattered. He wanted his ring, the one that he married me with, and he would never be able to have that again. The sting has worn off a little more with each broken ring, and we have now changed to a different metal that will hopefully stand the test of time.
We have talked about getting me another ring for our year anniversary as Dom and sub, one to be worn on my right hand, that symbolizes my submission to him. It would be much like a collar in sentimentality, and much like a wedding ring, it will symbolize our agreement and devotion to each other as Dom and sub for eternity. His newest wedding band has three blue sapphires in it, connecting him to me. He named me blue and sapphires are my birthstone, so it’s fitting in that way. I would like my new ring to match my engagement ring, but instead of a diamond, it would be a sapphire. To the muggle world, it would just be another ring, but to us it would be so much more.
There’s still the issue of letting others in the lifestyle know the nature of our dynamic. A collar is perfect for letting other kinky people know that I belong to him, but as a collar won’t work for us, we had to come up with another idea. Purple Sole gave us that idea earlier this year when he posted a beautiful cuff he’d made for little gem. This particular cuff had a small chain attached to it that functioned like a leash, so that in a large crowd, he could keep her close. Before going to Frolicon this April, we discussed making something similar. We had no idea what to expect from a large kinky gathering and wanted to be prepared. I’m not shy of crowds, but they’re also not my favorite, and having the security of a leash sounded comforting. As often happens though, the best laid plans often go awry. We never made the leash, but it turns out we didn’t need to. We did purchase some shiny silver cuffs, one for each wrist, with tiny locks. I love them so much, and I instantly feel their symbolic weight when I wear them. Most importantly, they signify that I am his to anyone in the know.
Recently, he bought me a beautiful set of leather suspension cuffs to be worn on our St. Andrew’s Cross or paired with rope during a suspension. While we both love my metal cuffs, they aren’t very practical for play. They must be taken off before any rope is applied which is the bulk of our kinky play, so they really only come out for social events. The suspension cuffs are perfect for play! He can strap them on and have me subdued in a matter of seconds. They are comfortable, don’t cut off circulation, and won’t cause any injury to my wrists. And, they smell divine! I’m not a huge leather buff, but I totally understand why people are crazy for that smell.
I love seeing the different collars that my sub friends wear. Each is unique to that person’s style and personality. Day collars are especially pretty, but that’s just not me. The silver cuffs and the right hand ring are more my style. I love that the people I associate with recognize that the collar doesn’t make the sub, that no one thinks there is one true way. The Dom makes the sub, and the sub makes the Dom, and together they define the relationship. Without that, the rest is just decoration.