Finding the Light

“If you put positivity out there karma helps it return to you – that’s my theory anyway.” – May More

CW: Drug Use

May left a comment on one of my posts this week that stuck with me, rattling around in my head and popping up here and there. Can a positive attitude really breed more positivity? I think it can, at least it seems to work for me.

I’ve always been a sunny person. I am able to find the good in most things, I don’t get too bogged down when life gets tough, and I feel happy almost all of the time. I’m lucky in that I don’t currently have any mental health problems, but I also take care of myself to prevent them from creeping in. I work out, get more than enough sleep, eat right, spend lots of time outdoors, and I make sure to do things for myself. I also surround myself with people who bring me joy and happiness, and I hope that I am able to give it back to them in turn.

It hasn’t always been this way for me though. The sun set on me for several years. I refer to this time in my life as The Dark Time, and I was literally and figuratively in the dark. I was young and stupid, and I dropped out of college to work in a bar with a guy I thought I loved. He was not good to me or for me, and I wish I had seen that sooner. I surrounded myself with people who were stuck, not moving forward in life. I did drugs, stayed up all night, and slept all day and only woke up again when the sun set. This pattern of negative behavior took a toll on me, and I lost myself. I was depressed, my finances were a mess and I’d ruined my nearly perfect GPA. It didn’t take long for me to realize that this life wasn’t for me, and I pulled my head out of my ass and went home. I’d nearly ruined my whole life in the span of a year by being careless and getting caught up with people who didn’t have the ability to care for themselves, let alone me.

It took years to get myself back. I had to repair my credit, I went back to school and got my grades up, and I had to find my positivity again. I didn’t seek help from a mental health professional, and maybe I should have, but, like many of the things I do, I did it my way. I had a goal, I focused on getting there, and everything slowly fell into place. That’s when I moved to the city by the sea and started my degree in Interior Design. I began running, I made friends with people who had dreams of their own, and I found my creativity again. I was back in the sunshine!

I learned a lot about myself by dipping into that low point. I now know how to take care of myself, I know that I am someone who needs sunshine and wind, I learned that I have to be creative in order for my mind to thrive. Once I got my positivity back, I seemed to take off like a rocket. Everything in life seemed smoother. It’s funny how not doing drugs makes it easier for a person to pay their bills and function as a proper adult!

Looking back, I’m not ashamed of who I was before. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I hadn’t struggled. I wouldn’t be with the man of my dreams, I wouldn’t have this job that I love, and I wouldn’t live in this lovely little house on the mountain. Would I be happy with a different life? I’d say yes, because that’s inherently who I am, a happy person.

It’s been fifteen years since I stepped out of the darkness, and the positivity inside me has grown with each passing year. I’ve had setbacks and heart aches, but I’ve made a life that makes those easier to endure. Now, I’m to a point where I can see that my happiness radiates outward and touches others, and we become like a mirror to each other, passing the positive vibes back and forth.

Thanks to inspiration from Floss’ Proud to Be Kinky podcast, I recently co-started a Girls Club in my kink community. We have monthly munches, we talk daily through the Kik app, we support each other and we uplift each other. We also talk about dating, shopping, makeup, relationship dynamics, negotiation and safety. We meet for lunch, help pick out outfits for special occasions, celebrate milestones, support each other through subdrop and attend singing performances. Starting this group has been one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. These women are incredible, and the positivity that bounces around between us is so thick you can drink it. I see, on a daily basis, how positivity breeds, how it grows and molds into what each individual needs at a particular time. We recently attended our monthly play party, and many of the Girls Club members were there. The vibe in the room was different this time, there was a palpable electric hum of female empowerment, love and support, an excited buzz of happiness. The girls remarked on it the next day, messaging back and forth about how much fun it was to have this united group of women and how it made their experiences at the party even better. The positive comments just kept coming. You looked so happy in your suspension! Your impact scene was so hot! You looked sexy as hell! I can’t wait to see you again! As our group grows in members, we gain more positivity to pass around. It’s really quite magical to witness.

I am a firm believer that you get back what you put into the world. If you put darkness out there, you will get darkness in return. If you can find a ray of sunshine, and hold onto it, you will eventually find the light. When you find it, give it back, pass it around, because it will multiply and you will be bathed in positivity. Happiness is contagious!