I Don’t Know!

I can’t really say why I started blogging. I was here with you all in silence for quite some time, sneaking in for a read and then darting out without a comment. You didn’t know I was here, and I was just fine with that. Like many submissive bloggers, my blog started as a journal that my husband asked me to keep about our sexy times, our growth and our setbacks. Also, Kink Amnesia (a term coined by Floss) is a real thing, and keeping a written record of all of the sexy new things we were trying helped prolong the fun. At some point though, the journal wasn’t enough. I wanted more.

I turned to him one day and said, “I think I’m going to start a blog!” I feel kind of like Elle Woods in Legally Blonde. One of the characters wonders if she just woke up one day and decided to go to Law School. That’s how my blog came about. I’m not a writer. Well, I guess I am now. I write every day, I am a participant in the Smut Marathon, and I enjoy doing all of it. But, really though, I’m not a writer. I can’t spell, I am raw and unpracticed, the only thing I really have going for me is I just happened to remember a lot of grammar rules. I jumped into this with both feet and absolutely no experience, thinking it was beginner’s luck at first, but now, what is it? I’ve been at it for nine months and some change, and I’m still going strong.

I wanted to start the blog because I saw this community, this group of people who were like me in many ways, and I wanted to be a part of it. It’s pretty simple really. I liked you all from afar and I wanted to be your friend, I wanted to learn from you and share with you. So, I walked out onto the playground and stuck out my hand and said “Hi, I’m blue!” It’s a hard thing to do as an adult, to put yourself out there and try something completely foreign. Using the anonymity of a blog to do it makes it easier, I suppose, but it was still a leap that made me slightly uncomfortable.

I remember being so excited in those first weeks, gleefully pointing out my stats to my husband after dinner. “I had 24 people read my blog today!” It was an exhilarating feeling to have people actually read what I wrote. And when the likes and the comments started popping up, that rush intensified. I remember the first time I was chosen for a Round Up. We had just gone to dinner, and I pulled my phone out as we drove out of the parking lot. “Oh my gosh!” I nearly screamed, and he almost veered off the road thinking something was wrong. He chastised me at first, until I interrupted him to tell him what was so exciting. He immediately pulled into a parking lot and turned off the car. “You deserve a special treat for that!” We read the round up from Kayla Lords over and over, my smiling face glowing over my happily earned glass of bubbly.

It’s not that I don’t feel I belong here, I feel completely at home among these amazing, talented people. But, I still feel like the fourth grader hanging out with the big kids. I am in awe, and completely taken aback by the people who lift me up every single day. I don’t have that “imposter syndrome” that so many people speak of, but it’s not because I’m a narcissist and I feel like I’ve earned it. It’s more like it hasn’t even hit me yet. I’m just the baby in the kiddie pool, I don’t even know that there is a deep end.

I do know that there’s a deep end though, I can see it, and I can see all of those people I admire with their strong graceful strokes, professional swimmers sporting shiny goggles and streamlined swim caps. I’m a silly thing just bobbing about enjoying the splashes and looking at the pretty colors. I hope to be there one day, in the deep end, making a difference, inspiring people like me. I look at people like Submissy and Floss, Molly and Marie, Kayla and May, and I think that they have moved me in some way. They are a piece of my puzzle and a bit of why I am here now. Maybe one day, I might inspire a fledgling blogger. I might help a new submissive. I might guide an aspiring rope bottom.

I’m going to stick with this whole blogging thing. It’s so much fucking fun! It’s going to bring me to new places, I’m going to meet new people and solidify friendships that have been forged through the airwaves, or whatever kind of waves those are that make the internet work. I now have a way to voice my mind on a daily basis, whether I want to recount a sexy experience or write out a fantasy, or I want to talk about something personal and sad or funny and slightly uncomfortable. I’m going to stick with this because I have no idea where I’ll end up, and frankly, that doesn’t really matter. Where I am now is just great, and I can only imagine that I’ll end up somewhere even better if I just keep at it. I have no expectations, only hope that it will continue to make me happy and that what I do here will make others happy as well.