CW: Divorce, suicidal thoughts
I’m living in student housing right now. It’s an off-campus apartment filled with students off from classes for the summer, they have parties and hang out by the pool and walk their dogs with solo cups filled with White Claw and vodka. But, who am I to judge! My solo cup is filled with pink wine as V and I stroll around the grounds with her pup, Totcho.
We are here together, she and I, thriving in the Heartbreak Pad. She split with her long time partner in May, during the peak of the Coronavirus, and was lucky to find this apartment. It was cheap and furnished, and it gave her a place to stay for a few months while she figured things out. I would come visit her here a couple of times a week. I didn’t know I’d soon be living here with her, sharing her bed, cooking dinner with her, sitting on the balcony overlooking the river each night, our pink wine sloshing in our cups as we gesture wildly, talking angrily about our exes.
My husband asked me for a divorce.
It’s something I never expected. I always thought we were Forever. I thought we were great together, happy, healthy, committed. We loved each other, we supported each other. But, I was wrong.
Something was wrong, and so he asked to end it.
It was traumatic, the way it went down. We hadn’t been speaking for weeks, we were just two ghosts floating past each other in our home, the only words spoken were spat. Our only communication was through text messages, and it was angry and hurtful, tearful and unsuccessful. I finally couldn’t stand it any longer, so I retreated to V’s and the safety of the Heartbreak Pad. He messaged me there, pages and pages of text messages about how we weren’t compatible, how he thought we needed to end it, and I begged. I pleaded for him to give us a chance, to try therapy, to put in the effort our relationship deserved. I asked him over and over to remember all the good times, how happy we were. I tried to reason with him, explaining that this was just a bad spell. But, in the end I conceded. I couldn’t fight any more for someone who wasn’t willing to fight with me. If I wasn’t worth his effort, then why was he worth mine?
Once the tears dried, I picked up my chin and did the only thing I knew how to do. I pushed forward.
I should have known. I should have seen it coming, the inevitable turn.
I’d stopped by the house to pick up some of my things, and, as I was leaving, I passed his car on the road. He stopped and waved at me, honked, but I just kept driving. I couldn’t face him, I couldn’t face the defeat. He called me minutes later, and his voice on the phone begged me to call him back. I want to work this out.
The words were cold in my heart, and I shuddered with a foreboding sense of dread, but the warm ray of hope shouldered its way in. Hope is a funny thing, isn’t it? It can be the single thing that keeps a person going. It can also be destructive, a tiny drip of water that fills a minuscule crack in a rock and causes a landslide that destroys a life. This warm ray of hope almost destroyed me.
I called him back, my heart pounding and my hands gripping the steering wheel. His voice sounded panicked, desperate. He wanted to try. He laid out his demands, what he wanted from me. He asked me if I could do it. I’d said I would do anything when I begged and pleaded. But, what he was asking for did not sit well with me. He wanted me to change. He wanted me to take all the blame. The words were stuck in my throat and wouldn’t budge. How could he ask these things of me? How could he not see that fixing our problems would have to take two of us? He said he’d made a mistake. He took it all back. He began to yell at me. He would’t stop. I was driving down the highway in the rain, my eyes clouded with tears, I couldn’t breathe. I was screaming. I can’t remember what I was saying. I think I was begging him to stop. His words cut into me, seared me like a hot knife, and I kept thinking I could end this suffering so easily by just jerking my hands to the right. It was terrifying, feeling so uncomfortable with myself and my feelings. My fingertips buzzed but my body was numb. I didn’t see or hear anything except this loud noise like a waterfall. Everything was a blur. I don’t know why he didn’t stop. I don’t know how I made it home.
As soon as I walked through the door of the Heartbreak Pad, I got this calm sense of clarity. He was right. We were over. I sat on the bed in silence as the tears dried on my face. The panic was gone, the noise, the hopelessness and recklessness. It was all behind me and I just felt DIFFERENT.
We messaged each other later that day and that was the end of it. It was the end of something wonderful, but also the end of something awful, something that was hurting us both.
It hasn’t been easy since, but that sense of calm has stayed with me. I am a planner and I am always trying to move forward, so that’s what I’ve done.
So, here I am in the Heartbreak Pad. It’s not what you think though. We aren’t wallowing in our own sorrow. We aren’t drinking away our pain. We aren’t bashing the men who hurt us. We are thriving. We are moving forward. We are living our best lives. I have spent my time doing exactly what I want to do. I’ve been outside in the sunshine, I’ve felt the rush of cold water on my feet and the breeze in my hair. I’ve cuddled and kissed and fucked and laughed. I’ve woken up before the sun and I’ve stayed up with the stars. I’ve stared up at the blue sky and the trees and let my tears drip down my cheeks into the ground. For the first time in a long time, I’ve put myself first, and it feels so good.
Blue I am so sorry to read this. I really feel for you and my thoughts are with you. I am glad that you are doing things for you and hope that allows you the space that you need to heal. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Take care. Hugs, missy x
Thanks missy! I am lucky to have so much love and support around me. This will be a big change, but I will be able to tackle it!
Good for you for moving forward and putting yourself first. I’m glad you have V and the heartbreak pad. I wish you all the best for the future!
Thank you! It does feel good to make these steps.
Oh Blue 😔 that was so sad to read. But I’m glad you are in a space to move forward. I wish you all the best in your new chapter.
It’s pretty crazy! I’ll be more than okay though. Thank you!
It’s always sad to hear of any relationship coming to an end … but change and new beginnings can often bring rewards far greater than it may at first seem.
Sending best wishes and Xxx’s – K
Thank you! I’m definitely looking at this as a positive change.
Wow. I didn’t expect this. I’ve been through a divorce and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It sounds like you are adjusting well and it is so good you have V and a safe place to stay.
I am in my second marriage and truthfully it is far superior to my first in all respects. I can only remember maybe 5 good sexual sessions from my first marriage and while there were good times, they came less and less often as our marriage progressed. I never had uncontrollable laughing fits with my first wife.
With my current wife, sex is always fabulous. We laugh together all the time. So there can be a very good life post divorce. Keep that in mind. Stay safe and well. I send you hugs and the best of wishes.
Thanks! I had great laughs and great sex with my first husband so hopefully I’ll have even more of both if I ever marry again. Regardless, my partner V supplies me with endless joy and I am so grateful for her.
Keep living your best life! Life is short, too short. Thinking great thoughts for you as you move forward. Keep the faith and I hope you continue with your blog, you are a great blogger and everything happens for a reason. Take care,
Tom
Thanks Tom! I will definitely continue my blog!
I am so happy you found peace. Sometimes clarity hits at a time like this in the strongest moments. Though it’s not what you originally hoped for your future, I’m glad you got a clear head in your shoulders. XO
It’s exciting to have an unwritten future. I thought it would feel like a burden, but it is more like an adventure.
I, too have been through a divorce and for the first year+, I was miserable. But after that, life became so much richer and I learned a lot about myself. Happily remarried now after a number of years playing the field and living out my dreams. I wish you a quick recovery and foresee a wonderful future for you. Second time is a charm.
Thank you! I don’t feel miserable, surprisingly. I hope that I can stay positive throughout this.
I appreciate your sharing so honestly your pain-filled experiences and learnings. I am so happy for you that you are in a peaceful safe place without destructive drama . And that you are away from your persecutor and that you are not playing victim. I’ve gone through such experiences. Hard learnings which I wished I learned back in junior high, high school, college and onward. What a weight you have lifted off of your shoulders. Blessed continued healing, self-discovery, and healthy relationship discovery with yourself and with V.
Thank you! I do feel like a weight has been lifted.
Blue – this was unexpected, as I thought you had a strong foundation and – well you probably did too. I am sorry you have to go through this, but the bonus is that you have V by your side and a safe place to stay.
Time to reflect, to heal, to put yourself back together – this is what you need. Don’t rush and process all your feelings – you seem to be tackling this with great strength. You have my admiration and support.
Thanks! It is completely unexpected and I thought we did have a strong foundation, but things are not always what they seem, I guess. I’m not wallowing on the past though, I am looking happily towards a positive future.
Beautifully written, a rollercoaster of emotions that I understand all too well. I miss seeing you and chats and drinks. Hopefully soon we can get together for lunch and chat.
Hang in there beautiful, there’s nothing you can’t do!
Thanks Molly! I miss you too!
Hello, my friend. I don’t have words to express the shock with which I learned about what’s been going on in your life. To say you’ve been on a roller coaster is an understatement. So much respect to you for sharing your emotional honesty and vulnerability as you process all of this and move forward. The sky is the limit as to what awaits you; it will surely be something wonderful and amazing. You’re beautiful inside and out, and you deserve every good thing that comes your way. Here’s wishing you peace, courage, and a discerning heart as you embark on this new and exciting journey. Love and blessings to you, dear one. Hope to see you soon.
Love and hugs,
Cedar
Thanks Cedar! It has been pretty difficult at times and absolutely freeing at others. I am looking forward though and that’s all I can do for now. Hope to see you soon!💙
If there is anything we can do to help just let us know
We can bring you some white claw 😁
Hahaha! Thanks, sounds wonderful 🤣
I’m so sorry to read this Blue. I empathise with so many of the emotions you express and hope you can continue to move through this heartache and through the other side. Sending love and hugs xx
It’s been difficult but I am resilient! Thanks for the kind words.