A Masochist Who Hates Pain

I’ve never really gotten off on pain, and for a long time I thought my masochist button was broken. I felt like I wasn’t a good bottom because I couldn’t handle impact pain. It took some time before I realized where my thinking had gone off course.

Impact pain. I have had a few impact scenes that I enjoyed. After I endured the pain of paddles and canes and floggers, the finger that I slipped between my legs would come out slicker than a dolphins dick. Was it the actual pain that turned me on or was it something else? I think, most likely, it was the degradation of the act, having to pull down my panties, expose myself, and subject myself to the will of someone else. I tolerated the pain because the psychological aspect of impact play was rewarding enough in itself. I think I was also swept up in the newness of kink and a D/s relationship, so not only did the idea of impact excite me, but I felt it was a necessary addition to the resume of a submissive. I now know that it is not. I’ve done impact play since, about three minutes of it before I tapped out and moved onto something more pleasurable.

So, can I be a masochist who doesn’t like impact play? Absolutely. Rope pain is unlike any other pain I’ve experienced. It feels goooooood. And, I think you’d find many people who would disagree with that statement. It makes me happy, and high, and floaty, and it definitely turns me on. Most of the rope I do, whether tying or being tied, does not involve sex. Sex and rope are very much separate for me because of safety concerns. But, being in the rope, getting that high, pain processing, they’re a mixture for pleasure in the future.

Rope pain is extraordinary, especially in suspension. The ropes go on, a harness here or there, and goosebumps pebble on my skin. The feeling of being tightly wrapped up is pleasant, but as soon as I go up and I feel the weight of my body fighting gravity, the pain starts to creep in. It can be difficult at first. The rigger has to make slight adjustments, find a balance. A heavy dangling leg might cause more pressure in one area until it is captured and relief is found. Endorphins begin to flood my senses and the pain quickly disappears. New bottoms often struggle with getting past the initial pain injection, but once they learn to sink into it and breathe, the will find they are able to sustain a suspension longer.

I get really quiet once I’m tucked up into the air, my toes and fingers and hair all caught up in rope. I close my eyes and breathe and the world falls away. My words get lost, and my only responses are Mmhmmmm’s and Uhuhhh’s. It’s a beautiful space to be in. It would be nice to check out completely, but I can’t do that. I have to scan my body, checking and moving my hands and fingers for nerve damage, but it’s a small sacrifice to prevent catastrophe. I make micro movements in the rope, moving my hips slightly, rotating, feeling the grip of the jute on my body. These movements give relief to different parts of my body and allow me to stay up longer.

The real pain begins when the rope starts to come off. Usually the toes first, they scream in agony when they are released. My head suddenly weighs 500 lbs. when my hair is let out of its trap. That leg that was caught will awaken a pain in my back when it is untied, causing me to grunt or hiss through my teeth. When I am being lowered to the ground, I clench, suffering in the short time before the floor finally relieves me of gravity’s endless pull. Then, once I’m planted, the giddiness sets in and I laugh. I’m stoned and silly until after all the rope has been taken off my body and I’m huddled under a blanket, my fingers pressing into the sore indentations on my skin. Rope kisses. It’s a glorious feeling.

Now that I’ve begun tying others, I see that I have a high tolerance for rope pain. Some can’t process that kind of pain at all but can take a beating that would make me wither. Where I used to feel as though I was lacking in the masochism department, I now see how strong I am. It feels good to know that even though I’m not into heavy impact, my tolerance in rope is surely something I can be proud of.